Silent Hill: Restless parody
by OrpheumZero
Summary: James goes through my own crazy version of the popular game! It has been eons, but I hast finally resurfaced! Glory to me and the new chapter!
1. Default Chapter

Silent Hill 2: Restless Parody.  
  
Me: Hello, I'm Orpheum. You may of heard of me from such parodies as: Soul Reaver: Enter the Block Puzzles, Soul Reaver 2: Return of the parody, Little Red ridding Kain, The Blue Vampire Café and Karaoke Club and Blood Omen 2: My way. If not, you should check out the Legacy of Kain category and see my parodies, anyway, I'm a fan of the Silent Hill series, even though I've only played SH2, but I have seen the 'Leave' and 'Rebirth' Endings. I have decided to do a parody, seeing as how there's a lack of them here. *Eyes all of you suspiciously* Anyway, I will do each ending, but in their own chapter depending on what Mary/Maria James sees at the end, also I will skip all of the boring objectives that trigger the endings, just to make easier on writing this. Well seeing as how I have pretty much covered the introduction; here's my parody! *Fan-fare and sparklers go off*  
  
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Chapter one: James comes to Silent, oh dear god save us!  
  
*Screen goes black and that weird noise is not played, but a low sound of some one farting does play*  
  
(We see James Sunderland looking into the mirror feeling his face, then picks his nose for a second, farts, picks ear, then he talks to himself.)  
  
James: Mary.. Could you really be here in this town? After all, your dead and I saw you get buried, oh well.  
  
(He skips merrily out of the bathroom; his car is parked on a 'Handicapped' space crookedly.)  
  
James: TRALALALALA!  
  
(Trips over a rock.)  
  
James: X_X Ouchies!  
  
(He picks himself up and walks to the edge of the lookout.)  
  
Mary's voice over of Letter: In my Drugged-up dreams, I see that town. Silent Hill. You promised me you'd take me here someday so we could get some of that 'White Claudia', But you never did. Well I'm alone there now.without my drugs V__V.. In our 'special place'.. Waiting for you, and more drugs! ^__^.  
  
James: Man, I think that weed's not completely out of my system yet.  
  
(He then walks a bit and then says to himself.)  
  
James: I got a letter. The name on the envelope said 'Mary.' My wife's name. It's ridiculous, couldn't possibly be true. That's what I keep telling myself. A dead person can't write a letter, can they?.. I killed he- I mean Mary died of that damn disease three years ago. So then why am I looking for her? Our 'special place' what the flying hell could she be talking about? This whole town was our special place. Does she mean the places where we -  
  
Me: Hey, let's try to keep this PG, ok?  
  
James: -Uh I mean, does she mean the park on the lake? We spend the whole day there getting stoned. Just the two of us, and Richard Nixon, staring at the water at the talking fishies. Could Mary really be there? Is she really alive. waiting for me?  
  
(He then is about to walk into the woods.)  
  
James: Opps almost forgot the map!  
  
(He runs back to his car and gets his map, and forgets about the 9mm. in his glove compartment. He then makes his towards the woods when an eairy noise comes from it.)  
  
James: O.O RUN AWAY!  
  
(He runs like mad towards his car but I appear and stop him.)  
  
Orpheum (Me): Get in there you wussy!  
  
James: I don't wanna, it's scary and icky! D  
  
Orpheum: Get in there or.  
  
(I pull out a sword handle, upon which a huge blade grows out of, from a small slot on my belt.)  
  
Orpheum: .You'll have to answer to Mr. Slicey. ^_^  
  
James: O.o Epp..  
  
(I disappear and James soon heads down the steps and enters the woods, as he walks, he can't help but feel like there are 'things' lurking in the woods around the trail.)  
  
James: Either I'm still hallucinating or there are 'things' in those woods.  
  
Possible monster in woods #1: Crap, I think he sees us!  
  
Possible monster in woods #2: Get down!  
  
James: Oh well.  
  
(He walks on, he soon comes across a well and peers in at the mysterious red 'thing'/paper/save point object.)  
  
James: Huh? It's like someone's trying to peer into my mind or something; I am so still wasted.  
  
(Unbeknownst to him, the game is saved and he continues into the cemetery, there he sees Angela kneeling to a grave. He sees her butt and looks at it until he steps on a twig.)  
  
Angela: AHH!  
  
James: Opps, I'm sorry. Excuse I.  
  
Angela: *Gasps, stands up* I, I'm sorry. I, I. I was just.  
  
James: Hey, shut-up, it's ok. I didn't mean to scare you. I'm kind of lost.  
  
Angela: *In that retarded way* L-O-S-T?  
  
James: Are you retarded?  
  
Angela: No, it's just the way the BI*** that plays me acts.  
  
James: Oh. Well, Yeah. I'm looking for Silent Hill. Is that the right way?  
  
Angela: No that's the Band camp.  
  
(She and James look to see a Band camp across the lake.)  
  
James: Oh, I thought that was Clown camp?  
  
Angela: No that's Clown camp!  
  
(She points to a camp just a ways near the Band camp.)  
  
Angela: That way is Silent Hill.  
  
(She points behind her.)  
  
Angela: It's hard to see with this fog, but there's only one road. You can't miss it.  
  
James: Thanks.  
  
(He's about to head on.)  
  
Angela: But.  
  
James: Yes?  
  
Angela: I think you'd better stay away. This uh. this town. there's something. 'wrong' with it. It's kind of hard to explain, but.  
  
James: I know there's some Jehovah's witnesses but I'll stay clear of them.  
  
Angela: No that's not what's exactly wrong with it.  
  
James: It is dangerous? Is it something like the Teletubbies?  
  
Angela: Maybe. and it's not just the fog either. it's.  
  
James: Okay. I got it. I'll be careful.  
  
Angela: I'm not lying idiot.  
  
James: No I believe you. It's just. I guess I really don't care if it's dangerous or not. I'm going to town anyway either way.  
  
Angela: But why?  
  
James: I'm looking for. Someone.  
  
Angela: Who, who, who is it?  
  
James: Someone. very important to me. I'd do anything if I could to be with her again, even bring a bucket of drugs.  
  
Angela: Me too. I'm looking for my mama. I mean my mother. It's been so long since I've seen her. I thought my jackass father and brother were here, but I can't find them either, I guess their at a bar but I don't know which. I'm sorry. it's not your problem.  
  
James: No, I. I hope you find them, maybe they're out on the street past out.  
  
Angela: Yeah, you too.  
  
(James then leaves and heads on to the path into the town. He continues to have that feeling something lurking in the fog. He soon gets to that gate on road and then makes his way into the streets, he sees the streaks of blood on the intersection.)  
  
James: O.o Holy crap, is that blood!?  
  
(He then spots a shadowy figure moving down the foggy street.)  
  
James: That shadow just now. Hey I can't hear myself I'M DEAF! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!  
  
Orpheum: Oh shut up you idiot, you're just speaking in that weird game talk where you make no voice!  
  
James: Oh.  
  
(He then follows the marks of blood and soon exits town, he makes his way to a boarded up underpass, he finds a radio lying outside of it.)  
  
James: Huh, Radio, what's wrong with the radio?  
  
(Suddenly Harry Mason from the original Silent Hill appears.)  
  
Harry: That's my line jackass!  
  
(Kicks James in nuts and then vanishes.)  
  
James: X__X Ouch.  
  
(He then hears static from the radio and peers into the closed off underpass. He climbs in to get a better look and sees a figure hunch over near a corpse; it suddenly gets up and turns around.)  
  
James: Omigod it's.JIM CARRY!  
  
(Yes, Jim Carry is the mysterious figure; he is even acting exactly like patient monsters.)  
  
Jim Carry: *makes the same noises and convulsions*  
  
James: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!  
  
(Attacks Jim with the stick with a nail through it until he's dead. He then examines the body.)  
  
James: Is it dead? What the hell is this thing. it's not human.  
  
(James then climbs out of the closing and suddenly pulls out the radio, which is emitting a weird transmission.)  
  
James: What the hell? Is this thing broken?  
  
Radio: Ja. Kain.. Die bitc. MONKEYS!. WAZZUP!.. Luke. I. yo. her. Chicken is yummy.  
  
James: O.o What the hell.? I'd better take it anyway. I might need it.  
  
(He heads back into town which is now infested with the patient monster. *A/N: I just used that joke in honor of someone's parody cause I thought that was a cleaver joke putting Jim Carry in.* He attacks them and then heads to the BlueCreek Apartment building, he tries the lock and can't open it.)  
  
James: Ah, crap, now I have to search aimlessly through the town for a key. V_V  
  
(He searches around and fights a few more monster, a couple of which scare the crap out of him *Literally* He soon gets the key and heads back to the apartment building.)  
  
James: Maybe they'll have a pool, and maybe even waffles! I love waffles! ^__^  
  
(He skips into the building, unknowing of what lurk within.)  
  
Will James survive the horrors within? Yes, otherwise this would be a boring parody. Will he ever seem to get a clue about the evil? Don't count on it. Tune in next time for Chapter two: Pyramid Heads and Fat ugly guys.  
  
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Me: Well, how'd you'll like it? I promise it will get better in the long run.  
  
Please review and I will give you a very sharp weapon and one- hour in a room with any monster from SH or SH2 that really bugged you. :)  
  
See ya next time! 


	2. Walking with stupid

_Silent Hill 2: Restless Parody_

Hello, sorry for not updating recently, been busy and my machine died about a week before September. Well here's part 2 of my parody, enjoy.

A/N: Sorry again, I wrote this chapter a while back, after a long period of file and disk handling, I am now back in business with my writing. Enjoy the chapter!

Chapter 2: Walking with stupid

When we last left James, the world's foremost idiot, he had just encountered the first of the many horrors of Silent Hill. Following a clue and my guidance for dummies, James headed for the Apartment complex, will he find a clue to Mary's whereabouts, will he act like a moron, will he ever understand anything? Not really, yes and no.

James: I smell no waffles, drat!

(James said as he entered the apartments and looked about in the dark dank room. He spotted a map and took it to help find his way around the place. He then tried the hallway door in front of him.)

James: It's locked.

(Wow, thanks for stating the obvious, moron. He headed up stairs and into the second floor corridors.)

James: I'VE GONE BLIND!

Me: It's just dark, dumbass!

James: oo b Oh.

(He heads into the middle hallway and into the room by the bars, he takes the keys and heads into the room on the left of the left hallway of the second floor door. He enters and gets the flashlight, plus encounters the first mannequin monster.)

James: AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH Freaky!

(Bashes the monster to death.)

Mannequin: XX

(James leaves; meanwhile a figure appears and drags the mannequin's body off. James heads to the third floor and retrieves the gun from the cart then attempts to get the key.)

James: There's a key on the other side, I think I should reach for it. Reach for it? Yes? No? Yes. Weird

(Reaches for key but its kicked out of reach and a little girl stomp on his hand.)

Girl: Haha!

James: AGHH! Bitch!

(Shoots at girl but misses. Gives up and leaves back to second floor, he enters and as he walks by the middle hallway.)

Man's voice: EIIIEEEE!

James: OO AHHHHHHHH!

(Ducks like a wuss and pees pants.)

James: What was that?

A scream, duh!

James: Oh.

(He goes to investigate, he sees an ominous red figure behind the bars, and it causes the radio to go nuts. James watches in horror, pee shooting from him anime style think "Ultimate Muscle" James then enters the room and finds it's occupant dead, impaled through the head.)

James: EWWWW! It's all over the TV and the floor… Icky.

(He then searches the room and then leaves, entering the room with the butterflies and that freaky 'thump noise' He gets the 'Clock key'. He takes it back to the dead man's room and opens the door to the clock's hands', he adjust the time until a 'click' is made and pushes the clock to one side, he then enters the hole and takes the stairs up to the third floor.)

James: AHHH! Weird straightjacket monster-thing! DIE! Shoots Patient monster in the hall

(He enters the room with the freaky noise and is witness to the Pyramid Head's rape of the mannequin monsters, 70's porno music plays in back ground. James freaks and hides in closet, he sees a radio emitting the music and smashes it. PH looks around in confusion.)

PH: Ah man, I need that music to get my freak on.

(PH looks around by the closet, but possibly due to his helmet that thing must be a nuisance to see through or just plain stupidity, he opens the small slot on his masks and 'breaths'. James, with anime piss jetting from pants, shoots at PH a few dozen times, until he runs.)

PH: Now with British accent Damn tourist! Can't have a good shag while they run about.

(PH leaves, muttering about…"stuff".)

James: I few cold around my legs.

(James sees the Pool key and takes it, he exits the room and gets to the barred area of the third floor, he takes the key and then uses the emergency stairwell and returns to the ground floor and enters the hallway to the pool. He looks around and picks up the soda, then goes to the courtyard where the pool is, he enter the pool area and see the monsters playing about.)

Patient monster #1: Marco!

Patient monster #2&3: Polo!

James: Not noticing their game Eww, that's just as nasty as a baby Ruth in the pool.

Patient Monster #2: That joke referring to 'Caddyshack' is so old.

James: Ignoring the comment like an idiot Hey can I play?

Patient Monster #3: Sure, but we want to play something new.

James: Cool, how about Russian Roulette?

Patient Monsters: SURE!

#1: Me first!

(Takes the gun from James, don't ask how, it just does, and shoots self in head. The others act like nothing happened and proceeded to accidentally commit suicide.)

James: My turn Points gun to his head Naw, it's no fun without anyone else to play with. Hey look I found a coin, yeah!

(Picks up the coin in the stroller, he then enters the other doors and miraculously shoots the monsters after wasting half his ammo. He enters the room on the right and finds the body in the fridge.)

James: Hmm, reminds me of how I used to cool off during the summer, 'cept I wasn't dead and jammed in there.

Heaving sound then puking

James: Cool, must be a frat party in the next room.

(He enters and comes face to asscrack with a fatass man.)

James: Hey there, you ok?

Fatass: I didn't do it, he was like that! I didn't put that thong and negligée on him, honest.

James: Hey it's alright, did that Red Pyramid thing scare you too?

Fatass: Red Pyramid no, I just ran because 'he' came after me.

James: Oh well, nice to meet I'm James.

Fatass: I'm Eddie, pleased to meet ya, now if you don't mind, I need to take a piss.

James: Ok, see ya, watch out for monsters.

(James leaves and searches the Apartments further; he eventually comes across Angela looking in the mirror.)

Angela: Posing Damn I wish my ass was bigger, and maybe my boobs too. I should check out that mall in the town over for some better clothes.

(She doesn't realize James is there, staring at her ass again. Suddenly she realizes and falls to the floor, in the position she's in during the actual cutscene.)

Angela: Oh, it's you.

James: Hey there, did you find who your looking for?

Angela: No, how about you?

James: Me neither takes out picture of Mary Her names Mary, she died three years ago from an overdose of pot.

Angela: Died?

James: Don't get me wrong, I'm not crazy, maybe a little high, but not crazy. I just feel like there's something to find here. Did your mother live here?

Angela: Angry How did you know? Did the Leuprecan in the toilet tell you?

James: Pisses pants I just guessed, did she?

Angela: Calm again Yeah, but I just can't find her.

James: Well, I wish you luck.

(Angela turns to leave.)

James: Do you think I can have that knife?

Angela: Why, do you think I'll hurt my self, or maybe use it to kill a midget.

James: No, I just think it'll be better if I take it.

(Angela holds it out to James, he reaches for it.)

Angela: ME NO WANNA PLAY WITH THE DOGGY!

(She holds the knife menacingly; James curls into a ball, piss jetting all over.)

Angela: I'm sorry, I get a little nutty when I'm constipated. She runs off

James: I feel cold.

(He takes the knife, then searches around more; he goes back to the room entered from the first building. He examines the toilet.)

James: Talking to self Hmm, seems to be something in there. Reach in? Yes? No?

Yes.

(He reaches in.)

James: Hmm. Sheep baas Nope. Car horn No. Women yelps Woah! Flatulence Aha Begins to pull out something

(His hand emerges, holding a little man.)

Leuprecan of the toilet: I'm the magical Leuprecan of the toilet. I will grant you a wish!

James: Cooly!

Leuprecan: What is your wish, o' mighty pothead dipstick?

James: I want…. Some weed!

Leuprecan: Alrighty then.

(He makes pot appear, James and him smoke till they're stoned like hell. Even Pyramid Head and Samael join in.)

Samael: Dude, like, my hand is so, huge!

James: I know, hey, all your guys' heads are floating around on strings.

PH: I'm so f&# stoned, I can't even remember my initials.

Leuprecan: Humping safe in the living room of apartment Gold! Gold! Gold! etc

Five hours later 

Samael: Coming out of buzz Oh sht, I've got to get ready for a girl whose pregnant with me, see ya.

PH: Yeah well, I've got to go get ready to attack you in the basement.

Leuprecan: XX Jumped out window when he thought he saw Tinkerbell calling him to 'take her'

James: Man that was a good trip.

Me: Appears, lightning flashes and the glass freezes Seeing as how you were 'busy' I took the liberty of finding the other coins, collecting any ammo and opened the needed doors, now get your ass to floor 1 and fight PH!

James: Yes giant talking gerbil, sir! Salutes, then runs off

Me: Oo?

(James enters the first floor and encounters Pyramid Head, inflating balloon of a monster.)

James: AGGGGGGGHHH! Pisses pants

PH: Hey! Drops the balloon, it flies around, deflating Hey, you're the jerk who ruined my mojo in the other room!

James: No I didn't, that was my evil clone.

PH: Oh, ok then. Hey, do you think I'm stupid?

James: Well you are wearing the world biggest and probably heaviest helmet.

PH: That's it, your going down, bitch!

James: Yelps, pisses pants more

(PH chases James around, who, after I slapped him silly a few times, fires at him, after a while.)

PH: I got ya now.

James: Fires once more at PH

PH: Ahhh! Begins to cry You don't play nice!

(He runs into the flooded stairwell, after he leaves, the water drains and James leaves.)

James: To the tune of "We're off to see the Wizard" I'm to find my Mary, my wonderful pothead wife! Because, because, because, of the wonderful things she hullionates!

Me: Don't even ask.

To be continued in ep.3: "Sexy look-a-likes, bowling and, nurses"

Please review and I will give you a free James doll; he even comes with his own bong for smoking pot!


	3. Sexy fakes, bowling and hospitals! Whee!

_Silent Hill 2: Restless parody_

I'm glad that people enjoy the parody, now onto the next chapter.

Chapter 3: Sexy look-a-likes, bowling alleys and a creepy hospital.

James frolicked along the grime stained pavement till he came across the little girl who stepped on his hand in the apartment. She sat atop a wall and was humming. Oh how she hummed, a mocking hum that only could insult the greatest of morons. Actually, it was quite pleasant.

"Hey, you're that brat who stepped on my handཀ" James said while pointing an accusive finger at her. Silence hung over the two, save only for a tiny grasshopper on the tree behind the girl playing his little violin, unnoticed.

The little blonde girl, who wore a blue dress looked at James and replied causally. "Nope, wasn't me."

"Oh ok, sorry for the mistake." Said James, once more adding another point to his stupidity score; -200, 000, 000. The little girl looked at him with a perplexed look, 'how can such a grown-up be so dumb?...' She shrugged and decided to continue her humming.

"What's a little girl like you doing a place like this anyway?" James asked, the girl once more gave a confused look and then responded.

"Huh? Are you blind or something?" She asked, confused by the man's stupidity.

James stood there dumbfounded and then said. "No, just a little stoned and hungry. Hey, what's that letter?" James inquired as he noticed the little girl was holding a letter in her hands.

"Like I'm gonna tell youཀ You didn't even love Mary anyway, you forgot to bring her drugsཀ" The girl said and stood up to leave, crushing the grasshopper who had begun a wonderful, though unheard ballad.

"Hey wait, how do you know Mary's name? Did she at least say what drugs she wanted?" James questioned further, but by the time he asked, the girl had left and was nowhere to be seen. He gave up and walked down the street and passed under a tunnel, he stopped at a sign that read: Rosewater Park.

James stared at the sign, and stared some more, belched, and stared, then wondered: "So this is the park... Mary, are you here?" He then took out a small bag of rock candy, huffed it and then entered the park with a jittery gait.

He wondered around for a few minutes, the park was in surprisingly good shape, though the heavy fog kinda detracted from it a lot. James then came to the edge of the park where he could see the lake, though the water was now all gone.

"Hmmm, I wonder if that pink dragon flying over there drank all the water..." James thought aloud. Somewhere, a collective of highly intelligent aardvarks face-palmed.

The crown prince of morons continued forward until he came upon a woman with blonde hair who was staring at the lake. She seems to be very stoned, as every few moments she flapped her arms wildly while mumbling incoherently. James shook his head in disbelief, then stared, then belched.

"Maryཀ" James said, jumping for joy and striking an anime inspired victory pose that would make even the most pretentious otaku beam with envy.

The blonde turned and looked at James, he took notice of her clothes, and the red dyed parts of her hair. Both stood stock still with hazy eyes, for roughly eight minutes or so.

"No you're not..." James said, feeling sad he didn't find his long-lost (And very dead) wife/drug buddy.

The sexy Mary look-a-like chugged a mountain dew and then asked, "Do I look like your girlfriend?" All the while she wore a rather odd grin, in her eyes James was doing the robot with a panda and the King of All cosmos.

James looked up and replied. "No, my late wife. I can't believe it, you could be her twin. Your face, your boobs, your voice and your ass; just your hair and clothes are different." Somewhere, the civil rights movements face-palmed.

The sexy blonde then stated, with a slur. "My name, is Maria. I don't look like a ghost? Do I? See my breasts? Feel how real they are." She said and placed James' hand on her boobies, James' began to nosebleed then pulled his hand away.

"You're really not Mary" James said, but then decided to feel Maria's breasts again. Maria looked a little offended, but liked the attention anyway. James chuckled like a five year old who had discovered the joys of fireworks and army men.

"Like I just said, I'm Maria not Mary dummy." Maria said, and then slapped James' hand away as she became bored with the groping. The man in the green jacket looked hurt, but wore a grin of triumph for what he had done. In his mind a foghorn blared as an imaginary scene of triumphant played in his head.

"Sorry, I'm stoned and confused." James said and turned to leave, waving 'goodbye' to the pink dragon. Maria ran up and grabbed his arm, actually it was more like jump and hang onto it.

"Where are you going?" Maria asked, her voice danced between concern and a more seductive tone. James had a clear view down the dopplegangers' blouse.

"I'm looking for my wife, Mary, have you seen her?" James asked, his eyes locked onto the cleavage before him. Gee this guy is almost as annoying as Harry Mason, almost...

"But didn't you say she's dead? Or am I so stoned? I didn't hear right." Maria asked, now starting to ponder, meanwhile she began to thought Leonard Nimoy was doing the moonwalk behind James.

"Yea she is, I killed he- er I mean she died of a disease three years back. But I got a letter, I know it sounds odd, maybe even like I'm stoned, she said she's waiting in our 'special place'." James said and showed the letter. He then thought he saw Brad Pitt in Mortal Kombat with Marry Poppins. Thankfully, no sane human being was nearby to witness this crippling idiocy.

"Since this conversation is gonna last a lot longer, let's just get to the point, she's not here, but at the hotel and you were about to go the wrong way, can I come with you?" Maria asked, making puppy eyes at James. In the distance, the all powerful gods of gaming mediocrity vomited with rage.

James just stood there stupefied and then said. "Ok, sure, you can come along." He then walked on and Maria followed. They both ran away from monsters, but were followed because of the twin trails of urine they left as they fled in fear. Soon, after giving the monsters a bowl of candy, they made it to 'Pete's bowl-o-Rama' The bowling alley. James headed for the entrance, claiming that 'another leprechaun was calling him to join in a rain dance'.

"I'll wait out here while you screw around, I hate bowling." Maria said, her hands on her hips. She then tried to lean against the wall, only to fall over as she leaned _away_ from the building.

"I'm not here to play, just here to take a piss, maybe eat what I can find and possibly some other things that I'd normally be arrested for if I was at a normal place. Plus I have this feeling that the plot will _only_ progress if I enter this place." James stated then entered, the place like all the others buildings was in utter disarray. In the distance he heard voices, and bad folk music.

"So what did you do? Robbery? Murder? Fraud? Take a share in Time Warner for Batman & Robin?" The voice of the little girl echoed from ahead. James found the doors were locked from the other side and used the side door instead.

"I'd have to be a freaking nut job to actually do something like that, shares of B & R? Nah, nothing like that." Eddies voice replied, it was obvious he was eating as the muffled sounds of chewing could be heard. James, who was inside a tiny room that would only require 15 seconds to walk through, became distracted by a shiny piece of piping.

"Haཀ You're just a gutless fatassཀ" The little girl taunted. James really wanted to smack the little bitch upside the head right now.

"Now why did you go and say that, that was meanཀ" Eddie cried. The sobs then mixed with more chewing sounds as the fat bastard ate more quickly.

"But you said the cops and Jerry Seinfield were after you, right?" The girl asked.

"No I just ran cause I was scared. I don't know what Jerry is up to." Eddie said, James was actually shocked by this random statement.

"Then just say you're sorry for whatever you did, then again, I guess I always run away from stuff a lot too." The girl stated sweetly, as though aware that the one person who loathed her existence was nearby.

"I can't, it's too complicated. Anyway, did you find that woman you were looking for? What was her name? Sara...no, uh, Martel? No, oh yea, Maryཀ Right?" Eddie asked, though James heard no reply from the girl. He entered into the room to find Eddie chowing down on pizza. The little girl no where in sight.

"Eddie, what's up fat boy?" James said, giving a slap to the fat boys back, causing a disturbing jiggle. The eerie wobbling of flesh and fat almost hypnotic...

"First, I'm not fat, I'm big boned. and second, you're, uh..." Eddie trailed off, his fat still rippling like jell-o in a bowl. An equally disturbing sound like greasy rubber scraping came from the jiggling mass.

"James, we met in the apartments, you were barfing worse than a coed and claimed not to have dressed up a dead body." James said, his memory surprisingly intact despite his high.

"Oh yea I remember now." Eddie said, then stuffed more pizza into his mouth with a disgusting squish.

"Are you here alone, cause I swear I heard someone else a second ago." James asked, if there was an award for being the most oblivious fool, he'd win every year.

"No, uh." Eddie said, suddenly a green bowling ball hurtled toward them, James ducked and watched as it collided into Eddie's side and bounced off harmlessly, his massive fat just jiggling as before.

James looked and saw the little girl walking out the door and slam it behind her.

"Wait, stop! Eddie, let's go get her!" James said with an annoying tone in his voice, Eddie starred vacantly at the pizza box, which, despite his long period of eating, was still full of slices.

"Huh? Laura? But why?" The fat slob asked in-between munching on a slice of pizza and stuffing another into his mouth.

"Well for one, she threw a bowling ball at you." James started.

"Hmm? What ball?" Eddie replied, his mind so fixated on his magically respawning box of pizza that he hadn't realized the earlier attack on his gut.

"Uh... wait, you said her name's Laura?" James now asked, unable to understand Eddie's inability to have felt the flying ball.

"That's what she told back in the van." James' eyes went wide, and slowly, he backed away from the eating man.

"Besides, she said a fatass like me would only slow her down." James couldn't agree more, his only positive thought in 16 years.

"Enjoy your endless pizza, fatty. And tell that purple bowling ball I have no idea where it's daddy went." James left, Eddie sitting dumbfounded by the last statement.

James returned outside and bumped into Maria who came running around the corner. The two ended up in a rather 'awkward' position, needless to say James wasn't complaining about it.

"Hi, James!" Maria said, failing to notice her rear-end was smothering James' face. James was far from caring about this turn of events as his esophagus was being crushed by the tramp's ass. Removing herself without a word, Maria looked down to see James' nose bleeding profusely, whether it was broken or 'that other reason' was unknown. Standing up and wiping the blood on his sleeve and taking a quick whiff of oregano stuffed inside his coat, James turned to Maria.

"Did an annoying little runt just run by?" James asked, his pupils dilating from the believed high he thought was getting from the spice. Maria's waved and did a salsa, while the real one simply picked her ear.

"Yea, she called me a whore and ran off. I only wanted to talk to her with this radiator, but she was too fast for me. Are we gonna go get her?" Maria replied, defying physics as she pulled said object from her blouse and left it to clang to the ground below. James instead saw a flock of flying groundhogs that sang 'the wheels on the bus'.

"H...huh? Yea, I mean yes we need to find her." James said, coming down his 'high' and shaking his head. Maria lead the way around behind the bowling alley and into a narrow passage beyond a fence. But the trail ended right near some trash and a door to another building.

"Through there, she slipped in just like gumby!" Maria said, pointing to the extremely tight space between a concrete wall and a building.

"Pffft, easy!" James said, then jammed his head into the space, only to get stuck. After a few minutes of girly yelps and shouts, James' head was pulled out with only a few scrapes. The blonde idiot extraordinaire, moped about the futility of following Laura.

"There's no way to get through, not unless I can hulk out. And I'm all out of tic-tacs." James cried, sobbing loudly. Maria didn't seem to be bothered and instead pointed behind her.

"Sure there is. Right through there." She pointed to the door of the building they stood by, James immediately leapt into action. By that I mean he grabbed the door and tried to yank it open, only to fall flat on his face and find a penny. Maria rolled her eyes and pushed James aside.

"Here, I'll get it." She said, then proceeded to grope herself, apparently removing over a hundred different keys, each one of varying size and design. James tried hard to see something xxx-rated, but was denied by the game gods and their cameras of 'evil angles'. An hour passed and Maria finally unlocked the door.

**DUH DUH DUHHHHHH!!** The tune from the Legend of Zelda played, leaving both stoners to stare confused at the door for a moment. Entering the building, the two found themselves in the "Heaven's Night Club".

"Hey, I've been here before!" James said, giddy with glee. He clapped his hands and ran up the stair around the corner. Opening a door at the far end of the hall upstairs, the two entered the bar, where a strange sight.

"What..." James said, his eyes going wide. Maria looked by and finished, "the hell?"

Inside, on the stage, a mannequin monster with tassels attacked to it's feet danced around. Pyramid Head was seated at the foot of the stage, cheering.

"Yea, shake it!" The strange monster said, but stopped the moment he saw James and Maria. Standing up, he 'looked' back.

"Um..." PH mumbled, the mannequin monster chirped something along the lines of "oh shit." Pyramid Head grabbed the monster and broke it's back over the stage, then ran out the door, tripping down the flight of steps with a crash.

"That was weird." Both James and Maria stated, a midget popped out of the air vents in the ceiling and said, "No kidding."

Leaving the bar, the pair spotted Laura frolicking up the road ahead. A group of patient monsters playing hopscotch nearby. Spotting the two idiots, the girl ran off and into the hospital.

"No, wait! Don't go!" James said approximately fifteen seconds after Laura disappeared. Suddenly a man with short dark hair and dressed in a uniform reading "S.T.A.R.S" appeared out of thin air.

"That my line, douche!" Chris Redfield cried, then used one of the patient monsters like a bat to beat James. Once the blonde man was cowering with an ocean of piss surrounding him, Chris vanished.

"Well, are we gonna go in or what?" Maria asked, seemingly unaffected by the beating James had just taken. Snorting a bunch of pixie sticks, and a can of mountain dew, James raced into the hospital with frenzied, "Lastoneinisarotteneggwheee!"

"Wait for me! I want a pixie stick too!" Maria yelled after the blur that was James, and entered the Brookhaven Hospital.

To be Continued!


End file.
